The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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