My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
