just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
