I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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