Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
