the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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