My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
