I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
