you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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