I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
