Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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