i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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