this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
