If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
