Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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