She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
