Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
