It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
