I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
