Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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