apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
