Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.