I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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