Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
