I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
