nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
