I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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