Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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