How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
