It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
