The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
