i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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