I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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