this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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