I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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