you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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