you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
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I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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