im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
whose parrot is this?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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