So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
