"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize