Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
this boner is exhausting
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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