i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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