oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
cat food counts as protein by the way
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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