someone owes me an orgasm
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
