Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
