On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
