it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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