i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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