he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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