Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
