i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
