cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
