I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
