My room smells like vodka and shame
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
