I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
