i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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