i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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