If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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