I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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