Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
