On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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